Ex-Prime Minister’s First Lady Samantha Cameron has demanded her PA be given a knighthood for services to industry. According to financial lick-spittles, Isabel “Bells” Spearman has performed diligently maintaining Sam Cam’s wardrobe and personal diary through stressful years, and it is believed that without her skills the country would have crumbled. There was no suggestion that Ms Spearman was simply doing her highly lucrative, and really very cushy job, funded by the tax-payer.
“There seems to be little doubt in anyone’s mind that if Sam Cam hadn’t been able to fulfil her essential schedule of OK magazine photoshoots and Lewes Conservative Club cream tea charity fund-drives Britain’s economy would have drastically suffered. Well, even more than it was doing anyway under her cousins, Duck Cameron and Joggers Osborne’s, direction.”
However, the controversy surrounding the request has again raised doubts about the legitimacy of the honours system in the 21st century. The honours (making someone a Sir, Dame, Lord, Lady, or just plain Member) were meant to be based on merit, for achievements that have bettered the welfare and general good of the British Empire. The archaic practice now appears increasingly self-serving and distasteful in the current climate of austerity though, as the gap between the wealthy elite and poverty-stricken masses widens. It has been accused of rewarding corruption, as scandals and aristocratic misdeeds have previously been hushed up by drones craving a CBE for their troubles, frequently allowing crooks and fraudsters to escape unpunished.
Even the Queen of England has expressed some disenchantment with the system in recent years. “It used to be I was awarding some of the finest minds and heroic people in the Commonwealth, who made us all proud to be British,” Elizabeth Windsor said, a single tear rolling down her cheek. “But now they make me meet the snidest, nastiest bunch of lying tossers to ever lick a corgi’s balls. Makes me want to abdicate, but even I don’t hate this country enough to leave my son in charge.”
Waving a meaningless carrot on a stick in front of greedy sycophants has kept the Establishment of the British Empire in power for thousands of years. Therefore, changes to the system appear unlikely any time soon though.
“Such waffle warbles come round every year when the plebs get bitter,” said UK Foreign Secretary, and predicted Future Lord of the Manor, Boris Johnners. “We shut the nay-sayers up by awarding some random train driver or school caretaker an OBE. Like tossing a mouldy bone to a sick dog to keep them quiet. Works every time.”