UK cinema chain Cineworld has decided to change it’s name to Disneyworld to reflect the movies they now exclusively screen it can be revealed, ahead of this Christmas’ highly anticipated next Star Wars spin-off merchandising tie-in.
With the Magic Kingdom’s purchase of both Marvel and Star Wars money-spinners sitting comfortably alongside their roster of classic remakes and Pixar masterpieces it looks like the company has finally achieved founder Walt’s dream of being a one-stop shop for entertainment.
Films will be categorised under 4 genres in future: Superhero, Space, Classic, Cartoon. This will cater for all known tastes. No certificate will be higher than a 12A. Most of the other previously top tier movie studios have already been forced to strike deals with Disney to continue producing anything other than TV shows, as 20th Century Fox recently did with X-Men: Apocalypse under Disney-owned Marvel Corp.
Criticism that this is a continuation of the dumbing-down of cinema was met with a smirk by Cineworld Vice-Chairman Joey Felch. “We reached that stage a hell of a long time ago,” laughed Felch. “Hell, anyone who can make it through one of our bargain deals in one sitting has already had half their brain cells dissolved, along with their stomach lining. Cinema is just sitting in a dark room gorging on oversized buckets of slop while some coloured lights flash on a big screen in front of you. That’s why we had to cut horror movies. Folks spill their corn when they jump, and no-one wants to waste anything at the prices we charge for that shit. All we’re really doing is making it easier for people.”
“There’s no use pretending people are willing to pay £9.90 for a normal film with characters anymore,”Felch continued, slurping liquid chicken through a straw. “They want blockbusters, and no-one’s going to pay top dollar for anything that cost less than $150 million to produce. Every so often we used to screen some arthouse tripe or British movie, just to keep the twats quiet, and no-one turns up anyway. So don’t even get me started about foreign language. Only thing people want to read is on their phones, not on the big screen.”