Faster than a Speeding Bullet

The 2016 Olympic Games in Rio is set to be the most exciting one yet, as all the major pharmaceutical corporations claim to have perfected the winning formula for success this year.

In bygone years, the Olympics Games were a much cherished source of patriotic chest-thumping for countries, with the competition medal table displaying which nation won the most. In the 21st century however, the most important table is between rival drug companies, showing which state of the art pill boosted the highest number of athletes to gold, silver or bronze. The 2012 London games finished with GlaxoSmithKline a clear gold winner, with Pfizer taking the silver, and AstroZeneca the bronze.

To quote the Stone Roses, it’s not where you’re from, but where you’re at. For the new breed of sports donkey it doesn’t matter where you were born, it’s which drug or biotech giant you’ve signed up with. The right contract can provide an up and coming athlete with the best combination of performance enhancing chemicals to guarantee a medal.

In biotech sports zoos, Olympians are treated much like Formula 1 cars, allowing the drivers a playboy lifestyle while a team of drug mechanics fine tune their engine to attain the highest speed. Archaic ideals of natural ability, fairness and individual excellence are now scoffed at by the opinion-makers of competition sports, due to the lucrative advertising opportunities for luxury goods, junk food and addictive liquids a gold medal brings.

Upcoming track star Lol Coburn summed up the feelings of many of the new breed of pharmaceutically honed super-athletes. “The big guns look after all of us really well. Test results are faked, and if one does slip through the net, there’s normally a cover up so no-one finds out until years later. By that time we’ve retired and made all our money from personal clothing lines and charity fund raising.”

“If people find out you’ve been cheating 10 years later, that means you’ve spent 10 years being a winner. Sooner or later they’re going to stop calling it cheating anyway. It’s just doing everything you can to win, and that’s a good thing.”

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