Prospective King-in-waiting Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales, Fourth of His Name, has had to have to his coat strengthened to hold the additional medals he requests to be awarded each year.
Despite never being engaged in active service in the Armed Forces, Charles is the proud bearer of the Victoria Cross, the George Cross, the Dunkirk Medal and every other military award available. Around August every year, the prince gets fidgety and paranoid that people don’t like or respect him enough, as would befit a monarch. That’s when the hints about another underserved honour start to creep around the palace.
The prince has already received every award the country can offer, including Securicor Service and RSPB Order of Excellence, and desperate lick-spittles now have to invent honours to keep the royal ego duly massaged. Game of Thrones has been read for inspiration, and Keeper of the Seven Headed Heart is the latest suggestion, despite no-one having any idea what that means.
Although he does not wear them at the same time, Charles likes to include as many medals as possible for special occasions, especially the chunky shiny ones. A specially designed hat was mooted to display the excess awards, before it was realised the weight of the metal could snap the royal neck.
“We’re all hoping this childish nonsense will stop if he becomes King,” said an exhausted Palace aide. “He’ll have a crown and a sceptre to keep him happy, although we’ll have to make sure they’re both bigger than his mother’s.”