Your money for our life

The most successful modern charities have based their business model on the Cosa Nostra, it has been confirmed.

In bygone days, charities represented good causes that couldn’t be funded by governments and relied on the goodwill of people to willingly donate. However, with over 5,000 charities now registered in the UK alone, all fighting for a slice of people’s wages, more ruthless tactics have to be employed. Extortion, robbery and intimidation is the preferred modus operandi for a self-sufficient and profitable organisation.

This new operating strategy began when Oxfam and Greenpeace took tips from restauranteurs Antony Worrall-Thompson and Anthea Turner, who were notorious for running up huge bills with local businesses, then declaring themselves bankrupt when the creditors came knocking at the door. Charities shame the creditors to write off the debt by threatening to expose the small business owner as a child-starving, world-polluting selfish monster on social media. Many would rather retire than be lynched by packs of rabidly militant goodwill gangsters.

The modern charity is now a wholly self-serving entity, with only a fraction of the money extorted going to the cause promoted. Instead, the reason for their existence is to support the lavish lifestyles of thousands of employees. Many will rebrand themselves as private funds, when the tax laws are rewritten to accommodate this.

Millionaire charity entrepreneur Bjorn Sjongsbord began as a chugger, spitting in the faces of old ladies and screaming obscenities at anyone wary of funding his partying lifestyle under the pretence of saving gorillas. “Yeah, I used to work the streets,” he said wistfully. “I did the smash and grabs, I took the knock-backs, as well as the sign-ups. Everyone has to start somewhere.”

Preparing for a beano in Dubai, where a sheikh plans to buy a section of the Amazonian rainforest and relocate it to the desert as a harem for his children, the jet-setting playboy is working at the top of his game. “People claim they haven’t got much money in times of austerity, but they can afford to have children, own TV’s and run cars. I couldn’t do that if I didn’t earn a six figure salary from Rainforest Care.”

“I love being a good person.”

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