Artistic genius and part-time actor Vin Diesel has declared his latest masterpiece to be far too short. XXX III is due for release in 2017, but is undergoing extensive additional shooting after the mega-star found that a lean and economical 90 minute running time didn’t pander fully to his vision for the rebooted franchise.
“My fans have waited years for me to return to the role of Xander Cage,” the bald behemoth declared. “I’m not going to palm them off with a mere okay thriller. If I’m going to take their hard earned money, I’m going to give them something in return – plenty more of me.”
Vin’s studio sycophants have all agreed with the toned titan, whose Fast and Furious movies have grossed nearly four billion dollars worldwide. Initial ideas to simply add 45 minutes of extra footage from outtakes and gratuitous shots of Vin dancing, getting in and out of cars and staring meaningfully into the distance have been scrapped however.
Instead, an entire new hour will be inserted into the middle of the end credits, essentially a new movie beginning after the old one ends. The musclebound magician came up with the idea himself after seeing the success Marvel Studios have had with their post-credits sequences. Concerns raised about audiences leaving the cinema before the second film begins, believing they’ve seen everything they needed to, have been ignored by the megastar.
“Anything some comic book geeks can come up with, Vin can do better,” the bullet headed banzai said, referring to himself in the third person. “Vin is more epic, more awesome, and more Vin than anything else out next year. Especially anything with that guy Dwayne Johnson in.”
The new storyline is being kept tightly under wraps by Universal Pictures, but some lucky insiders were allowed into test screenings to gauge the Vin-ness of the extra value movie. Studio stooge Lol Coburn was found recovering in Mickey’s on Sunset Strip, although he couldn’t reveal too much due to the enforced non-disclosure, and thirteen JDs.
“I really wish I’d left the cinema when the first one ended,” he said, a tear rolling down his cheek. “I tried, but they made me stay.”