Burn in hot air

A charity fund established to promote planet-saving concepts has been shut down due to the rank stupidity of the ideas touted, it has been revealed.

When PlanetSaver first announced it would open it’s doors as a funding hub for concepts that would improve the lives of humanity, it did not anticipate the vast number of applicants who passed the basic criteria and had the opportunity to pitch their ideas.

Wooden water bottles carved from displaced Amazon rainforest trees, and furniture made of recycled fecal matter, were just two ideas from LA trust fund brattestas that had the PlanetSaver board rubbing their eyes with frustration. “They just don’t seem to think stuff through,” sighed naive philanthropist Duke Gibbons. “We should never have based ourselves in California. Just because someone has an idea, that doesn’t make it worthwhile. But no-one’s ever had to say no to these spoilt Faunterloys before.”

Duke admitted he was exhausted by the interviews, and was shutting the whole thing down to go and live on an private island far away from most of humanity. “At a certain point, when this smug dipstick proposed iPod prams, so babies could grow with their parents taste in music, I felt like putting a gun to my head. Then I realised that was stupid, and started thinking about putting a gun to their head instead. I ended up fantasising about having a button I could press that would open a trapdoor, their chair would tip over, and the brainless felch would plummet into a pit of fire. Or spikes, or snakes, or feces. Whatever’s worse.”

“I did’t get into this game to become a Bond villain, so I guess it’s time to get out before it’s too late.”

However, all is not lost for potential game-changers dreaming of instant acclaim. Arcane Developments, the sinister multi-national currently instigating a wealth of morally and ethically suspect global projects, has stepped in to buy up the concepts that PlanetSaver have so far logged in their books.

“These ideas are perfect for us”, said Arcane CEO Drax Coldheart. “The iBaby pram really falls in line with our ethos of shaping future generations.”

“And I especially like Duke’s chair idea. That’s a definite keeper.”

 

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