Brighton’s baited breath

Carnivorous Brighton restaurant ‘Bait’ has been closed after a stream of protests erupted when social media discovered the horror of it’s high concept. Located in the herbivorous hamlet of the North Laines, Bait revelled in serving it’s diners animals and molluscs that were carved and devoured while the poor creature still twitched.

Many found the idea of Bait repellent, and several activist groups threatened to boycott the city unless the restaurant was closed. Some were more vociferous than others. “We’ll burn the towers and bathe the streets in blood,” screamed RSPCA guru Franc Bones. “Let’s see how the chef likes being carved and eaten after we’ve got our hands on him.” When asked if such treatment would interfere with his vegetarian diet, M. Bones stared at his sandals for a while. “Yeah, well, it’s just a metaphor, man.”

HP reviewer Lol Coburn had previously rhapsodised about the sickening establishment in these pages. “From the twitching octopus that plopped wriggling into my mouth, to the squealing pig I carved to it’s grave, Bait was one of the greatest gastronomic adventures I have ever embarked upon. Just because I was stapled to the bog, exploding out of every orifice, while hallucinating my tits off for a week afterwards, in no way denigrates the Bait experience.”

The shady owners of Bait, the Lyle Brothers, are wanted by police for questioning in relation to the disappearance of street vagrants in the area, but have disappeared from the city, leaving no forwarding address. The disused restaurant has been undergoing forensic examination for the past week.

However, all is not lost for meat pioneers in the veggie capital of England. Arcane Developments, the nefarious multi-national corporation funding a variety of unusual, and morally suspect, game-changing projects around the world, have already snapped up the franchise rights.

“This culinary contretemps is right up our gullet,” laughed Arcane CEO Drax Coldheart. “And we can’t wait to be sending it down yours.”

“We especially like the squealing pigs. Every town needs more squealing pigs. Or people.”

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