Give me more

Randolph Churchill, great-grandson of ex-Prime Minister Winston Churchill, is fully committed to blackmailing the National Trust out of over £7 million, it has been announced.

He has told the National Trust he will be selling off many family heirlooms connected with his famous ancestor shortly, and they better start fundraising if they want to keep the items in the country. The artefacts include diaries, pens, lamps, photographs, chairs, cigar cutters and other items of great historical importance.

In bygone days, multi-millionaires with generations of inherited wealth and undeserved acclaim by association would normally take a more philanthropic attitude. If not a straight donation to the country, then a deal would be arranged where the heirlooms are maintained by a trust or museum for safekeeping in the public domain.

However, Randolph believes the poorest in society should pay him as much money as possible, as is his aristocratic land-owning right. Therefore, the National Trust have set up a fundraising charity specially for the Churchill estate, so people’s wages can eventually be squirrelled away in off-shore bank accounts under the disgraced family name.

If the scam is a success it has been suggested the Royal Firm may also take such a refreshingly novel approach to extorting the public pursestrings. When Charles eventually wrests the crown from his mother’s hands he will most likely threaten to auction the Crown Jewels and half of Buckingham Palace to pay for his ascension ceremony.

“The English Saxe-Coburgs are an internationally recognised brand, and a yard sale of that magnitude would run into the hundreds of millions,” chuckled a gurning Palace sycophant. “Best thing is we’ll tell the plebs they’re doing their patriotic duty by donating, and the suckers’ll fall for it like they always do.”

In recent years fund drives encourage sponsors to rename pieces in honour of the money raised. This has led to lifeboats tagged Neptune’s Turd and skyscrapers christened My Purple Helmet. With the Churchill sale involving the rebranding of the PM’s famous retreat Chartwell, one popular moniker has already risen to the top of the slush pile.


(Excuse our French).


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