Loving the long term

Plans to transform the notorious Patpong area of Bangkok into a family friendly theme park have been temporarily suspended over safety concerns, it has been confirmed.

The red light capital of Thailand consists of 3 streets in the centre of Bangkok that is world infamous as a den of prostitution, extreme sports sex shows, child trafficking, drug dealing and racketeering. It is described by the Thai government as an entertainment centre for tourists and expatriate farangs, specialising in adult golf shows. That sleazy image was due to be transformed by the opening of a destination resort hotel above the streets, described as “a real world Disney-type place, man.”

Entrepreneur Joey Felch remembers how he was first inspired to buy up the prime city real estate. “I was having a great time in the bars, everyone was partying, everyone was laughing, it was fantastic. Then the room began to swim, the day-glo colours turned sickly and I realised what I was looking at. The cartoon animal in the corner was actually a starving Alsation being ridden by a 12 year old fellating a 70 year old toupee with a feather up his bum. Suddenly, I was plunged along a rollercoaster ride into the depths of Hell. That’s when the lightbulb went off. Rollercoasters earn big bucks. Kids love rollercoasters. Let’s open a new one.”

Joey’s enthusiasm for the concept was contagious, as he used his inherited wealth to commission artists and architects to draw up detailed plans and brainstorm ideas. These included courses on catching golf balls in mouths, how to protect yourself in a hooker fight, drink/drug cocktail training and pudenda themed rollercoaster and waterslide experiences.

“I was so looking forward to the VagSlide™,” sighed Joey. “What kid wouldn’t want a wet ride through female genitalia at high speed? I know I would.”

An educational theme runs throughout the spiel, appealing to parents willing to take their kids on holiday in term time. While the adults unwind at leisure, their children would be taught how to best enjoy themselves on the return visit.

Mr Felch’s initial spending spree faltered once he ran out of chang and yah-boo pills. His refusal to pay the local Thai planning department any more has pushed the initial green light for the project back to traditional red. However, all is not lost for lovers of exotic pleasures and all inclusive package holidays.

Nefarious international conglomerate and funder of morally dubious global projects, Arcane Developments, have expressed an interest in Mr Felch’s left of field concepts. “We’ll be leaving Bangkok alone, it’s depraved enough already,” said Arcane CEO Drax Coldheart. “But we really love the idea of a Patpongworld in every country.”

“We’re looking at Brighton, England first. Post-Brexit, rules, regulations and common decency are flying out the window, which is all good for us. We’re currently buying up Brunswick Square in preparation. It really will be the Hedonist Capital of the Coast when we’re done.”

“And everyone’ll love the VagSlide™, with or without the razor blades. Trust me.”

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