iGeek cometh

Apple is to revive the infamous and iconic Fifties nerd accessory, the propellor hat, to use as a natural energy power source for their portable technology, rumoured sources report.

Charging issues have long been a problem for Apple, albeit one they rarely admit. The original iteration of their trackpad drained batteries like a two bit crack whore, and also ceased to function after 50% of life. That problem was recently solved in the latest model with the revolutionary addition of a USB charging lead.

The iWatch needs charging every day and the new iPhone 7 is also expected to leak life as tradition dictates, not to mention the seismic drain of the upcoming $150 wireless Air Pods. All in all, that’s a lot of expensive tech to be rendered useless without access to a fresh pizzazz source. The iPropellor will solve this growing problem by using wind energy and the wearer’s own body movement to provide a portable power source that Apple products can be plugged into at the first sign of depletion.

The propellor hat was originally invented in 1947 by American geek guru Ray Faraday Nelson, who stuck bits of plastic onto a beanie because he thought it looked cool. The beanie quickly became a trademark of sci-fi fans everywhere, despite the fact that the original design didn’t actually allow the wearers to fly, or provide any real world use.

Apple’s upcoming Air Pods allow their wearer to resemble a cartoon alien due to it’s antenna design. This fits well with the Dick Tracy chic of the iWatch. The iPropellor is therefore a natural progression in the iGeek style catalogue.

The first iteration of the iPropellor will arrive in the classic iPhone colours of white, black, gold, silver and pink. Protective cases will be available in brown and black leather, as well as a range of silicone colours. However, it is expected to inspire a wave of bespoke fashion, as top design houses Paul Smith, Louis Vuitton, Armani and Burberry are already champing at the bit to design their own sleeves for the high-tech beanie.

Apple has always been a leader in the tech fashion industry, and the new iPropellor power supply is likely to push them ahead of their competitors yet again. Samsung are already planning their own copy, and Huawei are rumoured to be working on a nuclear powered version.

Initial prices for the iPropellor are expected to be in the $300 bracket (same price in £ for post-Brexit Brits). Combined with the exorbitant cost of the iWatch, Air Pods and iPhone that would tag the average iPro wearer as carrying approximately $1000 – $1500 of easily removable and sellable technology on their person.

When asked if this would make the iGeeks a target for robbery, bullying abuse or violence, much as the original beanie tagged it’s youthful fans in the 1950s, Apple honcho Sir Jony Ives grew angry. “People won’t dare mess with the iGeeks. Norms will have nothing but fawning admiration and respect for us. We will not be mocked, belittled or jealously despised. Ever again.”

“We are Spartacus.”

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