And they all lived

George R R Martin is to cut short his epic series of novels A Song of Ice and Fire, as he’s sick of the whinging from fans of the TV adaptation Game of Thrones. Therefore, the next book will be half the length of it’s predecessors, and finish midway through an epic battle with the line “everyone shook hands, and they all lived happily ever after”. The End.

George’s original plan was far more complex, involving traumatic deaths of major characters, resolution of long running plot lines and a game changing twist in the tail. However, in recent years the methodical author has been feeling unreasonable pressure from obsessive newbie fans who downloaded the HBO adaptation on their iPhones and can’t comprehend his working methods or the fundamental nature of storytelling.

“They’re nasty little brats and they’re getting what they deserve,” fumed the rambunctious writer. “It started a few years ago around the third season of the TV show. Everything was fine before the Red Wedding was screened, but then I started receiving tweets asking me to stop spoiling the show, as the existence of the books meant that people knew what happened next.”

“It got nastier and nastier. Groups were calling me the worst writer in the world, and after a while it wears you down. I’ve been accused of being a paedophile, murderer and rapist by morons who can’t even spell those words. They just can’t seem to grasp the reality of Westeros at all. It’s not the bloody Hobbit, it’s an authentic historical world, where just like life, bad things happen to good people, events occur you don’t expect, and not everything’s tied up in a pretty little bow just because you want it.”

“I’ve tried to appease them by suggesting to HBO that Jon Snow should be resurrected despite being stabbed a hundred times. Never mind how bloody silly that was. There’s no satisfying the cultists though. No matter what happens, if it’s even a tiny bit different to their pathetic fantasy, they moan like shithouse rats. So I can’t be bothered trying anymore. I woke up one morning and just thought, that’s it, I’ve had enough. Boom. The end.”

Now, fans who have followed the intricately plotted books over the last twenty years won’t get to read dragons burn through thousands of white walkers, Cersei get her comeuppance at the hands of her brother or Jon Snow marry his cousin Daenerys Targaryan. George is unrepentant about his decision to throw the loyalty of his readership back in their faces.

“I don’t owe these plebs anything. I made some dough, but I’m getting old, and these damn books have been a noose around my neck for years now. I don’t deserve being labelled a genocidal maniac by twats who’ve formed a fan club for a fictional character. They’ve shot themselves in the foot with their complaints once too often.”

“Screw writing. I’m going off to snort cocaine off supermodel’s breasts like other bestselling novelists do. It’s time to enjoy life again.”

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