Presidential candidate Donald Trump has openly declared himself a transgender woman, and intends to be the first LGBT Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America.
The news was broken to a stunned media and millions of his adoring cult members when he tottered on stage at the Sportsplex, Bedford, New Hampshire in high heels and smeared makeup. Trump informed the jaw-dropped crowd he was still continuing his bid to become the most powerful person on the planet, but The Donald would henceforth be known as The Donna. She then proceeded to make a few jokes about Hillary’s shrinking balls, and by the end of the night had won over the audience with a mass singalong of Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves.
Responses varied throughout the night as social media heads exploded worldwide. Washington Post journalist, Jack Kennett, keeled over with an aneurysm. His grieving colleague Matt Peaches explained: “Jack started pissing and shitting himself with laughter, then blood ran out of his nose, and he was gone. It was the thought of all the headlines that were writing themselves. The same thing could have happened to any of us. You just couldn’t make it up. Luckily, I had some Demerol on me.”
The Donna’s obsessive devotees have expressed support despite the apparent clash with their right wing ideology. Tattooed Texan Lol Coburn summed up the confusion many are still feeling. “We all love his, I mean her, honesty. That’s why she’ll make America great again. Just gotta go with the flow man. Times, guess they sure are changing.” He then stared mournfully up at the sky. “Yup.”
Aides have been quick to dismiss speculation this latest announcement is yet another desperate publicity stunt, a crude riposte to allegations of sexism and abusive behaviour towards the female gender. “The Donna has always been who she is. It’s just the world wasn’t ready for her true self until now. In no way did this begin when an underling was joking about Hilary’s lesbian fanbase. At no point did The Donna declare she would make a better woman if she tried, even though she is.”
“We just better not have any name-calling about this. No-one’s gonna stand the vile misogynistic scuttle-butt Clinton spouted anymore. Ahem. The Trump marriage is still heterosexual by the way. Melania is a man.”
When pushed for a comment, opposition candidate Mrs Hillary Clinton sighed, before holding her hands up in weary resignation. “Okay, I give up. Just keep the narcissistic megabitch away from the friggin’ launch codes alright.”