End of the line

Railway employees will be offered the chance to have their remains laid to rest as sleepers on the new HS2 rail line, it has been announced.

In exchange for a percentage of their pension pot, signed away before their death, long term railwaymen will have their remains frozen in carbonite and reconstituted to form base modules that underpin the special tracks required for the high speed rail service. These hi-tech installations are a long overdue replacement for the archaic system of wooden sleepers used in previous centuries. Each module will be stamped with the donor’s name, birth/death dates and, most importantly, the exact time and date they are laid on the track.

The ground breaking Pensions for Pride scheme has already proven unexpectedly popular, with many railroad lifers overjoyed at the opportunity to remain in the industry after their death. 40 year veteran Sax Brigstock echoed the views of many. “It’s just what I’ve always dreamed of, and so has my wife. My father was a railwayman, and his father before that, and it’d kill them to know I’m going to be a part of history, if they weren’t already dead. I didn’t really know what to do with myself when I retired, but now I just can’t wait for it all to come true. I’m going to be so happy.”

Perhaps inevitably, there has been a clamour amongst the train spotting community to allow non-industry enthusiasts the opportunity to bid for a resting place on the line, with offers of up to £100,000 per body being touted. Surprisingly though, this influx of cash looks unlikely to reduce the cost to the public purse of HS2, whose price has already risen to over £42 billion, a figure which has flummoxed professional industry consultants.

The genesis for the scheme appears to have begun in secret meetings between the Department of Transport, Railtrack and Sir Philip Green, the communist lord of business enterprise. Suggestions the posthumous bonus scheme is simply a devious ploy to avoid paying workers their full pensions have been pooh-poohed by all involved.

“They can have the money if they want,” scoffed rail honcho Roy Hill. “It’s ready and waiting for them in an off-shore bank account, but I suspect our loyal, patriotic national rail staff would much rather give something back to the industry and the country, as they’ve spent their entire lives doing.”

Other companies have been quick to see the potential of copying the model of the Pensions for Pride scheme. Richard Branson has expressed particular enthusiasm, utilising the potential of his Virgin Galactic space programme in an offer to his employees.

“Old fashioned burials and cremations are just way too fuddy-duddy man,” laughed the tax-evading hipster billionaire. “Now, through the wonders of modern technology, life savings and a pension most don’t know what to do with, oiks can have their frozen corpse blasted into space, to float through the solar system for eternity in a titanium capsule. That’s a way better view than being stuck underground or burnt to a crisp.”

The continuing rise of global conglomerates, whose dirty fingers poke the pies of many different industries, will only lead to further cross-pollination between companies. This is already seen with energy giants owning stakes in newspaper, television and interweb outlets to neuter journalistic integrity and potential exposure of activities. Media-savvy entrepreneurs like Branson can only see the good in such imaginative manipulation of the masses.

“We’ve been looking at food manufacturing recently,” the lion-maned grifter smirked. “There’s a lot of potential cross over with the health industry. That’s why Virgin has been buying up so many GP surgeries in the UK. When the NHS crumbles, an ageing population can’t afford their treatment and Brexit makes staple foodstuffs too expensive for the average joe, that’s when the time will be ripe for Virgin Foods to introduce our new product line. Don’t know what we’ll call it, but it’s sure going to be tasty.”

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