It’s all your fault

A neighbourly feud exploded after Tony Gussett blamed the refurbishment next door for the drop in value of his home.

Mr Gussett, who bought his council house in Blumgate South 11 years ago, was shocked to see the price of the property drop after the latest annual consultancy with local estate agents. “It must be because of our new neighbours, the Smiths,” raged the unemployed alcoholic. “They’ve painted the doors, landscaped the garden, soundproofed the walls, double glazed the windows and added a bleeding conservatory. Next to them, my place looks like a squat for crackheads.”

Although Mr Gussett plans to stay in Blumgate forever with his wife Antonia, son Antoine and daughter Toni, he regularly enjoyed knowing the value of his three bedroom abode was massively over-inflated, as it made him feel unrealistically rich. Now, that delusional ego-boost is in danger of disappearing forever, and he is accusing the next family in the street for all his problems. “It was going alright until they moved in, with their new-fangled ways and clean living lifestyle. What kind of name is Smith anyway? Sounds bloody weird to me, must be foreigners.”

Mr Gussett has taken to defecating in his garden at night in a bid to turn things around. “If they think they’re any better than me, I’ll show ’em what for. They’ll never be able to turn a profit on their house, not with me living here.”

Such self-defeating vitriol is increasingly common in Brexit Britain, with people absolving any degree of personal responsibility for the problems of the country, as well as their own lifestyle choices. For years, immigrants were blamed for the collapse of the NHS, zero hours contracts and a vertiginous property ladder. Post-referendum, a new scapegoat has been desperately sought by politicians in case their greedy carpetbagging is exposed to the brainwashed masses.

Thankfully, that problem has been solved by instigating a new Cold War. Unelected Prime Minister Teresa May joined many in breathing a sigh of relief. “Telling everyone the economy is crumbling because of Russian cyber hacking has been a stroke of genius. We can pretend we’re still an Empire, despite having no worthwhile industry and nothing worth stealing or invading. By demonising another country we can continue the austerity measures of selling off the NHS and cutting public services, we just claim the cash is needed for the defence budget. William Hague laid the ground when he was Foreign Secretary by funding jihadist Syrian rebels to create ISIS, but now we’re really running with the bear.”

Indeed, manufacturing of anti-Russian propaganda has skyrocketed. Sales of a T-shirt with the slogan F*** Stalin, featuring a horned Putin defecating into the mouths of ordinary, working people, is already proving popular.

“The Mail, Express, Telegraph and Sun are all on board with transferring their hate mongering to the Eastern bloc,” laughed May. “I’ve spoken with Vlad, and he’s down with being portrayed as being the big bad. He’ll just keep laughing at our brattish stupidity along with the rest of the world, but they’ll keep it to themselves.”

“It’s an Orwellian paradise.”

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