Blow the horn

The last surviving herd of unicorns has been slaughtered by poachers for their valuable horns, it has been reported.

Although many believed the creatures to be fictional, that was all a smokescreen by naturalists eager to preserve the rare animals, the location of their breeding glade in the Congolese basin passed down in secret from generation to generation. However, a hunting party stumbled across the animal’s domain, and brought the last of the species down in a hail of lead with gay abandon.

While the body of the unicorn is the same as any normal horse, and left to rot where they fell, the horns were sawed off their heads, and are expected to fetch millions on the black market. The horn has legendary medicinal, spiritual and aphrodisiac qualities, particularly eulogised in Asian culture. It is traditionally ground down to a fine powder and sold by the ounce. A few crumbs dissolved in water has the strength of 1000 Viagra tablets.

The interweb has exploded with righteous fury at the news. “Even though I thought they were just a mythical beast, made up to sell tacky dolls to stupid girls, I am incandescent with rage and someone, somewhere is going to bloody well pay,” screamed Lol Coburn, echoing the opinions of many. “I’ve been wanting to kill for quite a while now, and finally I’ve found the reason. It doesn’t matter who, it doesn’t matter how, but they’re history baby. Vive l’unicorn.”

It is increasingly common for people unhappy with their lives and lot to vent their frustration by targeting random outside bodies. The internet has encouraged this behaviour in recent years, with new group hates going viral every few days. Unicorns make the perfect icon to rally around, having no potential crossover with people’s real lives, yet still holding a rose tinted place in their hearts. The ensuing hatethon grants the vigilante protestor a false sense of superiority over any who don’t share their impromptu views, as well as the safety in numbers an angry mob provides.

“I’ll be killing for the sake of my family,” said Lol, polishing his Walmart bought AK47. “My little girl may never have been able to stroke a unicorn’s nose, but knowing that she never will means that local dentist is going to get what he deserves.”

Mr Coburn’s dentist, Patrick Wooderson, has been inundated with death threats and bags of excrement thrown through his office windows. “Someone posted on Twitter I’m a hunter selling black market horn powder, and now I’m public enemy number one,” said Patrick. “It’s insane, I don’t even own a gun, but now I’m going to have to buy one to protect myself.”

“People just make up stuff and everyone wants to believe it, even though its obviously a crock. Its the damn election all over again.”

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