“Screw Capitalism!” says Sir Philip Green

Bloated tax-dodging retail oligarch Sir Philip Green has declared himself sick to the back teeth of being labelled “the unacceptable face of Capitalism.” His new venture is designed to silence the critics and nay-sayers once and for all.

New cheapjack clothing production line The Party will be run from a central hub in Bangladesh, and operated along totalitarian communist principles. Workers will not be paid in transferable currency, as Sir Philip no longer believes in the fiscal system. Instead they will be fed gruel, stagnant water, and allowed to take shelter in shacks during the monsoon system, in return for serving The Party for at least 18 hours a day.

The clothing will be sold online, thus avoiding squabbles over the destruction of the British High Street. English people do not have to worry about the loss of their jobs or pensions, as they will not be offered any.

The look of the clothing will be classic grey chic, and advance orders have already exceeded expectations in North Korea and China. Superfashionista Kate Moss’ modelling of the culottes as she holidays in Monaco should guarantee a global viral spotlight far stronger than standard advertising. She has maintained close contact with the Baron of Bull ever since their heady Top Shop days together, and will be key in his plan for low-rent market saturation.

Post-Brexit, the retail world is even more unpredictable than ever, but if Green’s Midas touch works for The Party, such slave labour economics could well be taken up by other companies even more overtly than before. Sports Direct move over, it’s time to Party.