Although it isn’t even December yet, families across Greatest Britain have already been torn apart by arguments over whether they should be celebrating a “hard” or “soft” Christmas this year.
Fuming Brexiteer Tony Gussett began screaming at his daughter and son-in-law two weeks ago when they invited the widower to their house for the holiday. “I don’t want some bloody new-fangled foreign muck Festivus,” Mr Gussett said. “I want the traditional Christmas, and if you don’t know what that means you can go back to your own country.”
“If I see taramasalata instead of cheesy dip on the coffee table in the morning I’ll be straight out of there, and you can shove your stir fried asparagus where the sun don’t shine. I want a tree, crackers, carols, turkey with trimmings, pud with white sauce and the Queen on the telly at 3 on the dot.”
Mr Gussett’s daughter Antonia is already exhausted with the stress of meeting unrealistic expectations. “We only suggested beef or lamb as an alternative to a bird no-one ever likes, then Dad hit the roof and hasn’t come down yet. He started going on about catching the morning service in church and playing charades like we used to do. But, we’ve never done that, ever. Normally, we just give him a bottle of Scotch and a cigar for him to fall asleep with in front of the Bond movie.”
The Brexit rhetoric of misplaced anger is now entering all areas of modern British life, with Christmas the latest victim of the hate mongering. The country has been torn asunder by a marked divide between elders fearful of a mysterious youthful liberal elite tampering with non-existent values, while their offspring are becoming increasingly tired of xenophobic blame culture vitriol spewed over them. Much of this is based on paranoia, tapped into by populist tabloid hatezines, exploiting fears through fabricated stories such as the 8 million Turks due to flood English beaches, benefit tourists destroying the NHS and turkeys banned by EU regulations.
Debate rages as to what Christmas really means, as it appears to be different for everyone. For some, Xmas 2016 will be a return to Victorian values, with Tory austerity providing a feast of bread and dripping, followed by a baked potato with a candle in it. For others, it will be a cocaine fuelled champagne and oysters swinger orgy to continue into the New Year. Chavtastic house light displays are expected to top previous records this season, with burning crosses and neon Union Jacks already proving popular.
“We tried explaining to Dad we weren’t messing with the formula, but he wasn’t having any of it,” sighed Antonia. “We may just close the curtains on the day, and pretend we’re not in until he buggers off down the Legion club. It’s not worth the aggro of explaining the holiday is really commemorating the birth of a homeless Arabic Jewish baby, rather than an orgy of materialistic greed and excessive gluttony.”
“And I’m not making the kids sit through Morecambe and Wise, no matter what anyone says.”