Packed bags

The English Royal Family has decided to emigrate to the remote island paradise of Vanuatu to escape Brexit Britain, Palace sources have revealed.

The move comes as little surprise to those in the know, as the island nation has held strong connections with the Royal Firm for many years now, and the Queen’s disenchantment with the recent phalange of politicians and supposed opinion formers has left her weary of her subjects.

The country of Vanuatu is an archipelago of islands in the Pacific Ocean, once a split English/French colony, since granted independence in 1980. When Liz and Phil toured the islands in 1974, the residents of Tanna believed the Duke of Edinburgh to be a god king, and still worship him to this day. The Bislamic (a form of pigeon English spoken by the islanders) phrase for helicopter is ‘Mixmasta Blong Jisas Krist’ because the first time the natives saw one was when the Royal Crew rolled into town.

“I’ve always wanted to return to my people before I leave this mortal coil,” said Philip, with a wistful gleam in his eye. “Finally, it’ll be nice to rule over people I’ve got at least a modicum of compassion and respect for. The English have been throwing theirs away for years now, and the last of it went in 2016. It’s just a bloody embarrassment to be associated with the tossers, so we’re getting out while we still can.”

The apparently long planned move will be made under the smokescreen of Buckingham Palace renovations. The £350 million price tag is actually the cost of dismantling the best parts of the famous house, shipping those to the other side of the world, and rebuilding it in the balmy shadow of an active volcano. The tropical Buck House will be a smaller version of the English original, but this time have air conditioning and working toilets. It is presumed no-one will notice the difference, as the remaining shabby chic dining and ball rooms will be left behind in London, but given a new coat of paint.

Other members of the Firm will be following the Queen to the other side of the world, the pretence of a Christmas holiday providing the initial excuse. William and Kate have a beach hut already earmarked for them, and it is expected the sprogs will become fine swimmers in the healthier environment. Edward and his missus will stay in a treehouse at first, although Prince Andrew is expected to split his time between Tanna and his penthouse in the PatPong district of Bangkok, Thailand for most of the year, flat-sharing with Harry.

Those fearful that tourism may plummet in the wake of the popular stars departure from the British Isles may be reassured by the fact that not all the members of the Royal Household will be leaving.

“We’re going to leave Charles in Charge,” said a smirking aide. “Every country deserves their leader. America’s got Trump to look forward to, now England can have Charlie. It’s what he’s always wanted, so Liz finally just threw her hands up in the air and said ‘take it, I’m outta here bitches’.”

“You’re welcome.”

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