Following on from the Scary Clown epidemic that plagued the First World this summer, it appears the same cosplay maniacs have taken to dressing up as Evil Father Christmas in the 2016 festive season.
Children have been left terrified by sightings of axe wielding Santa Claus’ carrying human heads around the school playground, and are too scared to sit on a paedophile Savilator’s knee to ask for presents, as is traditional this time of year.
This has been part of an overall trend by hipsters to subvert the true materialistic spirit of Christmas by lauding Krampus, rather than the jovial white bearded gent personified by Coca-Cola’s advertising throughout the 20th century. In much the same way they attacked the cheery obesity-making icon of Ronald McDonald through the twisted idea there was something sinister about John Wayne Gacy clowns.
In the current Age of Delusion simple pleasure is no longer a strong enough concept for progressive trend-setters, who believe any idea that pops into their head is pure genius, but don’t really understand the correct use of irony in the modern home.
Austerity presents are proving especially popular in such households. These are based on the concept of the Russian Matroyska doll, whereby weird humanoids of decreasing sizes are placed inside one another. For Christmas this will result in a series of elegantly wrapped boxes. The guinea pig child unwraps each parcel to find another to open inside. Their excitement grows until they reach the final matchbox sized packet, which doesn’t contain a true present, but instead a heart-warming goodwill message such as “we love you very much, that is all you need”, or “you may grow up to be a good person one day“.
In the Cumming-Booth homestead, parental guidances Rob and Roberta are looking forward to seeing the look of joy on their son’s face when he discovers how much he means to them. “We’ve always been on the cutting edge of human being raising, and try to expand young Wilberforce’s mind and soul each year. In 2015 we didn’t go shopping, but instead gave him the tools to make his own present, as creativity is so much more important than materialistic desires in the young.”
The object of their parental repression, six year old Wilberforce Lenin Cumming-Booth sat fuming in silence, but was able to reveal his inner thoughts when his parents had left the room. “Look, the name’s Will, let’s get that one out of the way for a start. All I want is a Zoomer Chimp, like all the other kids on the estate, and not something that’s going to get me beaten up at school. It’s bad enough no one wants to steal the dried apricots and seeds that make up my lunch, so I have to eat the felch flakes myself every day.”
“If these f***ing c***s loved me half as much as themselves I’d at least stand a chance of growing up normal. I may end up doing the w*****s if we end up with a nut rissole and some charred asparagus for dinner on the day. Borstal’s gotta be better than this.”
“I’ll show them Satan Claws alright.”
THIS IS A COMPANION PIECE TO PREVIOUS ARTICLE COCA-COLA’S SATAN CLAWS.