Spoiler rage

Further to all the myriad forms of rage that have now become commonplace across Western society in 2016, cinema rage is the latest acceptable form of anger to be reported. During a first day matinee showing of the latest Disney franchise money stealer, Rogue One, a man was assaulted for eating his savoury snacks too loudly.

Kim Kimble had brought a large carrier bag of Doritos, popcorn, corn chips, Twiglets and Cheetos with him into the Cineworld multiplex, and waited patiently through 25 minutes of adverts before beginning his lunchtime feast as the movie began. The resulting combination of deafening mastication and insistent bag rustling drowned out the dialogue in the main feature. It took half an hour for a fellow cinema goer seated three feet away to eventually snap.

Mark Baelish turned, screamed “Really?” and repeatedly slammed Mr Kimble’s head against against the seat in an explosion of junk food, until he passed out to audience applause. Mr Baelish was arrested for assault, while Mr Kimble was rushed to hospital, after the film had ended.

Police have been surprisingly sympathetic to Mr Baelish’s moment of weakness. “We’re seeing more and more of these incidents,” said PC Mick Turnbull. “Selfish twats thinking they can do what they want, wherever they want, with no respect for their fellow human beings. Everyone’s got a breaking point, and it was bloody Star Wars for chrissake. There’s no way we’ll get a judge or jury to convict, so we’ll probably just let him off with a caution.”

Meanwhile, Mr Kimble remained unrepentant for his abusive behaviour. “I don’t see what’s wrong with eating during a movie,” he said, from his hospital bed in the corridor of the local DGH. “I do it all the time, when I’m on my own at home, and no-one complains. The salt and sugar rush helps the movie go down. No-one seems to care about my needs, the nurses just look at me like I’m something they’ve stepped in.”

Mr Kimble’s attitude is typical of the increasing dysfunctionality of people in the modern Age of Delusion, where an individual’s desires are deemed more important than those of society as a whole. The modern ‘Me, Me, Me’ culture doesn’t allow any empathy for other people, and has resulted in a rise of car crashes and disabled people being pushed aside in supermarket queues by 4×4 driving yummy mummies taking selfies.

“It wasn’t even that great a film, although I wasn’t really paying that much attention,” said Mr Kimble. “I just like to eat in a dark room with some lights playing in the background. That’s what cinema’s all about.”

An hour after speaking to this reporter, Mr Kimble’s body was found in the refuse bin at the back of the hospital, breaking both legs and an arm, having accidentally fallen out of a top floor window.

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