Pay me now

President Donald Trump’s weekly expenses claims have not been paid since he came to power, it has emerged.

For the last six weeks the President has been diligently recording his expenditure on coffee, petrol allowance and hospitality gifts, dutifully submitting his claim on time to the White House accounts department, yet so far has received no reimbursement for his outgoings.

The calculated insult has apparently deeply hurt President Trump’s feelings, undermining as it does his commitment to honesty, integrity, transparency and economy he has maintained throughout his business career.

“Bet the black Muslim foreigner never had this problem,” said Donald. “And if I had a bigger pussy there’d be no problem getting what’s rightfully mine. Just because I don’t have a receipt doesn’t mean it’s fake news.”

This deliberate snub has been blamed variously on Democratic skullduggery, Deep State plotting or Russian hacking, depending on which leak you speak to. It has nothing to do with the fact that food, drinks, transport and prostitution services are already supplied by the White House free of charge to the incumbent ruler, so to submit a claim may be considered fraudulent, or at the very least, excessively greedy.

The Donald scoffed at the thought. “It’s just typical tightwad governmentalism at it’s worst. Like they told me I could redecorate, but when we get down to the gritty they get all funny about a new wing at Mar-a-Lago, or gold-plating the outside of this fuddy-duddy ‘White’ House like I want. Vlad’s already got my balls in hock, so no way I’m spending family money on anything again.”

Over the pond in Greatest Britain, like-minded revolutioniser Nigel Farage has been similarly feeling the wrath of the establishment he has been railing to replace. The unelectable non-knight has submitted expense claims to UKIP, the Conservative Party and the House of Lords, but so far none have reimbursed him despite his patriotic campaigning to Make Britain Great Again.

“They say I’m not a member of their clubs, so they don’t owe me Jack,” said Nigel. “The Europeans don’t want anything to do with me either, don’t know why, and I can’t keep expecting Arron Banks to fund my weekly Champagne, Caviar & Coke™ orgies, the guy’s done enough already.”

“It’s about time the Great British Taxpayer stopped bremoaning about the bloody NHS and start splashing the cash on those of us who really deserve it.”

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