You better believe

Political parties are to be reclassified as religions under new tax guidelines, it has been announced.

The news has been greeted with approval from all sides, being deemed to reflect the modern shift in popular opinion towards fanatical idolatry.

In bygone days voters were allowed to debate and even criticise party leaders on policy issues and legislation. However, in recent years such dialogue has been increasingly frowned upon and seen as weakening the state rather than improving it. Blind allegiance and unconditional love is the preferred mode of support, as well as undying hatred for the opposition.

The new “church” model of politics means that civilians may only choose their preferred party once, as straying from the flock, disagreeing with policy or voting for another group is seen as sacrilege. Questioning the body politic is an act of treason and may result in a range of punishments, from Facebook unfriending, through letterbox vandalism, to public stoning.

This is much the same as religious bodies who swear blind allegiance to their god, and wage holy war against the infidel, which is anyone who believes something slightly different. The modern Kool-Aid Cultist has to scream fervent approval for every decision and comment made by party members, no matter how false, crass or stupid they may be.

UKIP supporter Dick Little still repeats the mantra of “Brexit Means Brexit” 50 times before breakfast as part of his morning ritual. “It cleanses me just like we need to cleanse this country of dirty foreigners. We’re going to take our country back, way back to the good old days of 18 hour shifts, living on tinned food and a pensionless death by 40. Gawd bless Nigel and Arron, they know what we want.”

Beleaguered Labour voter Mark Bane is an equally ardent follower of He Who Wears The Brown Sandals. “The Righteous One is strong and will lead us from temptation, no matter how many sticks and stones are thrown across our holy path. The Greedy Tory, the Lying Media and the Retarded Ukipper will know true justice as they die in the shadows while we ascend to the light.”

It is expected the deification of our political trumpets will result in a splintering of the parties into smaller churches, just as Christianity has many offshoots depending on how many wives is required, or what day fish should be eaten. So far UKIP is already dividing itself into Those Who Want Immigrants Deported, who are far nicer than Those Who Want Foreigners Shot, though marginally more intelligent than Those Who Voted Leave For The NHS.

Across the pond in Greatest America, Trump fanatic Lol Coburn is even more loyal in his support for the Fake Blonde Emperor than he was a year ago. “Everyone scoffed when Donald said he could shoot someone in the street and we’d still support him, but he sure is darn tootin’ right, just like he is about everything. Hell, I’m looking forward to the day he does it.”

“Hope it’s a Mexican. I’d sure like an invite to that party.”

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