And the horse you rode in on

Social media behemoth FaceBook is to release a new “F*** You” button, to be rolled out alongside it’s regular Thumbs Up, Wow, Sadface and Holy **** symbols already in use.

The new icon, of a fist with upturned middle finger, was chosen after research revealed that to be the most appropriate emotive response to the majority of posts on the site. Previously, users have found themselves unable to express themselves correctly, with many feeling that giving a thumbs up to a vile racist rant, a preening selfie on a beach, or a delicious meal was inherently dishonest.

“Finally, The Zuck has got himself tuned back into the hearts of minds of his loyal followers,” said longterm media junkie Lol Coburn. “After the horror of 2016, and the impending armageddon of 2018 approaching, all I really want to do is tell my friends, family, colleagues and most of the world to go f*** themselves, but unfortunately I’ve become so mentally stunted I’m only able to communicate in emojis.”

“This is what I’ve been waiting for, the chance to live an honest life again. Hopefully they’ll expand the range further, as I really need to tell people they’re a bunch of c***s, but can’t be bothered learning how to spell it.”

The reliance on ready made icons is a growing problem in the modern Age of Stupidity, but has led to a backlash in recent months. In much the same way that vinyl has returned to the shelves as a retort against the predominance of music streaming services, so too there is a growing cult of Luddite Language Nazis who insist on grammar, punctuation, correct spelling and complete sentence structure in the most basic of messages.

Jameson Groves, a committed dictioneer, will sometimes spend half an hour replying to a simple request for a quick half down the local on WhatsApp. “The Queen’s English is being steadily eroded by our modern desire for speed, efficiency and self-congratulatory masturbation. I don’t even use common or garden swear words anymore. When I want to threaten someone I’d much rather explain how I’ll stick a ten foot hot poker up their posterior than anything coarse. Unfortunately, they’ve normally broken my nose and run away before I’ve had a chance to finish my sentence.”

“It’s the thought that counts though.”

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