Take the long way home

Virtual taxi firm Uber is to introduce a new chauffeur-less car service in time for summer, it has been reported.

The scheme will be called UDrive™, whereby clients order a car, drive it to the destination of their choice, then hand the keys back to the Uber Controller on arrival. The Controller will sit in the back seat throughout the journey to ensure all safety measures are strictly adhered to, then take the vehicle on to the next appointment.

This Drive & Pay™ service has been welcomed by industry professionals, who have already deemed it far safer than the proposed driverless car technology which Uber had been accused of stealing from Google. The longterm aim is to eventually cut out the middleman, and ensure company profits don’t fall into the pockets of greedy freelance taxi drivers.

Some groups have pointed out that many taxi services are required when the customer has deemed themselves unfit to drive, commonly due to excessive drink and drug binges.

Uber spokesman Lol Coburn scoffed at such talk. “Knowing they’ll have to make their own way home will force people to take responsibility for their actions, and clean up their act before they leave. Even if they did have a quick shifty they’d still be more sober than most of our current drivers, and they’d know where they’re going without having to ask.”

Brexit Britain has long adapted itself to the concept of paying for a non-service several times over, as commuters on Southern Rail found themselves paying for a ticket on a train that never arrived. Gas, water, electricity and telephone users have also been charged increasingly extortionate rates by multinational corporations for services once owned by the taxpayer.

In the modern Age of Delusional Stupidity it is appropriate that Uber should follow the model of other successful transport operators such as RyanAir and EasyJet in attempting to fleece as much as possible out of their customers.

“The Uber Operator will be able to provide refreshments and neck massages en route, and can even change the music on the radio on request,” said Lol. “We’ve been criticised in the past for our game changing approach to customer service, and we know how to ride out the storm.”

“Let the chips fall where they may, that’s our motto. Just make sure it’s not on the upholstery, there’s an extra charge for that.”

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