Think Fasterer

The latest installment of the Fast and Furiouser franchise has delighted and surprised audiences in equal measures with a shocking move away from lightweight CGI action into heavyweight existential philosophy.

Fans of the billion dollar epics were left reeling after an initially crowd pleasing 20 minutes that turbo charged through the trailer content at warp speed, featuring wrecking ball car chase, prison dustup between The Rock and The Stath and a nuclear submarine exploding through an Artic melee, satisfying the need for OTT silliness they’d already seen, akin to the comforting familiarity of a Happy Meal sugar rush.

However, jaws dropped as the movie took a U turn at the 25 minute mark. The remaining 2 hours featured star Vin Diesel alone in a room with only a mirror and a hair dryer for company, contemplating the true meaning of life and death in the millennial world, the uncaring nature of God and his own difficult relationship with a pet cat from his childhood.

The idea for this deep intellectual conversation with himself came to Vin after extensive reading of Kafka, Nietzsche and the knowledge that it was the duality of his character that audiences really responded to, rather than superficial thrills and big explosions.

The twist looks set to pay off big time for Diesel, an actor who once notoriously measured his IQ by his bank balance. Already the film has garnered rave reviews from previously snooty critics, and is looking to unite both liberal and alt-right audiences in a divided America, proving that sometimes it really is possible to please everyone, so long as your name means Wine Fuel.

Indeed, the success of the film’s arthouse trappings is already pervading an easily influenced Hollywood, with the upcoming Baywatch movie being hastily rejigged to feature a surprise cameo from Diesel, the expansion of Zac Efron’s bisexual transgender character and a deep discussion on the power of nature in an industrial world.

Diesel himself has declared 2017 to be the Movie Summer of Big Deep Thought, and has expressed hope that the Furious Filosofising will help kids with their Common Core education. There are already rumours this could signal an entry into politics, with a Presidential run for the Dieselator in 2020, under the banner of the Ka Party (so named after the iconic Ford supermini and keeping the auto-erotic fetishism of his core fanbase).

“Democrats and Republicans can unite under my leadership,” proclaimed the next prospective God Emperor. “After all, who hasn’t bonded over a common desire to accelerate violently into incoming traffic, or swerve manically into passersby at a bus stop. Just as my celluloid works have acknowledged the base love of meaningless destruction fundamental to human nature, so too will my future administration.”

Dissenting voices in both Hollywood and Washington have dismissed Vin’s current success as just another flash in the pan they’ve seen too often. “Hell, by 2020 people will have moved on to the next big thing, probably involving blowing shit up while grunting monosyllabically, so Vin’s calls to Think, Don’t Stink will be forgotten,” said pundit Lol Coburn. “But right now it’s a win win for everyone involved.”

“After all, at least he didn’t make Ghost in the ****ing Shell.”

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