Much maligned White House spokesclown Sean Spicer has responded to criticism by admitting he has been telling the truth the whole time.
As a communications professional Spicer is expected to slickly relay an intoxicating mixture of sham, spin and misinformation to an eager mainstream media desperate for juicy gossip, warmongering and meaningless soundbites. However, since taking the prestigious role as President Trump’s conduit to the world, Sean has been attacked for a seemingly unintelligible stream of sub-moronic garbage, misquotes and hopeless inaccuracies a five year old could pick holes in.
In a recent interview Sean finally broke down and confessed he has been repeating everything he hears in the Oval Office on a daily basis. “I thought that was my job,” said the bullish brawler. “Just telling you all what the President really thought about world events and everything. I didn’t know I was meant to be editing what I heard, then make up something totally different, just so it’d be easier to stomach. I really feel like I’ve let everyone down with my naive country ways.”
“Comparing everyone to Hitler, destabilising Syria to plunder their resources, antagonising North Korea to have an easy to beat enemy, claiming to have the biggest inauguration in history, it’s how everyone talks round here, I’m not making it up. I’m just a sponge, I absorb what I hear, then squeeze it out for you guys.”
“Everything I say is straight from the horse’s mouth, not my fault everything sounds like its from his ass.”
Spin doctor extraordinaire Les Beets chuckled when he heard of Mr Spicer’s recent misfortunes. “It’s a classic rookie error, telling the truth. The perfect soundbite is really about disguising your true intentions by saying the exact opposite. I’ve been advising Brit PM Theresa May recently, and she’s really got a taste for it, claiming to be standing up for the working people, equality and fair play, while efficiently destroying the NHS, reintroducing grammar schools and protecting tax fiddlers.”
“Brexit means Brexit. That was one of mine, a totally meaningless phrase that can be twisted to mean anything you want it to mean. Rolled gold baby.”
Back in Washington, Mr Spicer was unsure how long he can maintain his current stance of integrity and honesty. “Next week I have to tell the world Ivanka and Melania’s farts smell of roses,” he said with a sigh. “All to do with a new perfume they’re bringing out to promote the Trump’s new White House™ brand.”
“I have a feeling there’ll be a whole lot more where that came from.”