UK Prime Minister Teresa May has performed yet another U turn in her ‘whatever we can get away with’ policy making by announcing she will participate in scheduled TV debates before the upcoming general election after all.
However, instead of standing alongside the other candidates, she will appear as a giant disembodied head on 100 foot screens dwarfing her rivals in front of a live audience, communicating only in powerful soundbites and meaningless homilies, that will also appear as words laser projected into the night sky.
Tories have poo-poohed any comparisons with an Orwellian Big Mother rally, instead citing a return to the glory days of the Roman Empire, where the masses were entertained by blood, circuses, smoke and mirrors.
Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron has also jumped onto the millennial technology bandwagon by deciding to comment only in emojis. He is expected to make particular use of the ‘rabbit in headlights’ and ‘blowjob’ icons.
SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon will be miming inside a cage as a work of performance art, representing the segregation that Scotland demands from a right wing Britain. UKIP psychotic Paul Nuttall will be standing in the crowd throwing eggs at everyone.
The only speaker planning to actually speak and explain sensible policies to help the common people of the land is corduroy clad Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn. However, anything he says will be drowned out by a jeering mob of brainwashed adult children who will make up most of the audience.
Die-hard immigrant hater Dick Little has already booked tickets to the BBC/Tory coalition rallies. “I want someone strong and stable in charge, because that makes me feel strong and stable,” he explained. “If people say the country is doing great, that makes me feel great, even if it is all a pack of lies. Being told we have to work to make things better sounds way too exhausting in comparison.”
“I just want to pay slaves to cut my grass for £1.50 a day, if they’re lucky. If my children end up being those slaves when they grow up, then so be it.”
“It’s how we’ll put the Great back into Great England.”