I’m the good guy here

The sun warmed Lol Coburn’s forehead as he marched proudly into Walmart for his weekly jerky shop, the Beretta holstered to his hip engorging every step. It was a beautiful day, which meant God was smiling down on him, as He did all His righteous followers who had elected The Greatest President Ever™, banished the Communist Muslim Non-American guy, laughed in the face of Satanist Healthcare and displayed their weaponry as was their right in an Open Carry state.

The tide was turning against evil in the promised land. Lol knew that from his daily Facebook updates from Breitbart and Infowars, but the fight was not over. It was a dangerous world out there, but Praise The Lord he had the weaponry to defend himself against potential crazies that lurked in the dark corners of every market.

He was thankful he could still shop at Walmart, as there were now so many places he’d had to boycott due to their Fake News anti-Trump propaganda. Even his beloved Maccy D’s had become a hive of butthurt libtard socialists, although he sure prayed they’d be cleansed soon, he didn’t want to miss out on the next Transformers Happy Meal promotion.

Lol chose to keep his Aviators on inside the market, it was easier to case the joint that way. Some of the other customers looked a little funny to Lol, he had developed a Coburn nose for sizing people up, and he sure didn’t like what he was sniffing. A family with odd skin looked like they could be foreign, maybe Hispanic or Arabic. Dang, was nowhere safe? His skin prickled even though the air-conditioning seemed to be running.

He stopped, stared and smiled broadly at the mother with her three dark brats, but she didn’t smile back. Hell, she even looked a little scared. Damn suspicious. Lol instinctively tapped the gun on his hip, the touch of the carbon holster reassuring him as he repeated his mantra. Be Pure. Be Vigilant. Behave.

The mantra made him smile even more broadly. Another woman looked at him, but averted her gaze. She seemed to shudder, even though she was white. Damn suspicious. Probably a liberal, but she’d be the first one to scream for help when the shite hit the kite, just like those atheist hippie Californians.

The thought made him angry, but also a little bit hard too. He patted the carbon again, and that’s when it happened. There was a bang behind him. Gunshot, followed by a scream and the crash of breaking glass. Lol whirled round and the Beretta popped into his palm smooth enough to make Eastwood blush. It was happening just like he knew it would, and he was the right man in the right place at the right time.

Instinct took over. He saw the blood flowing by the broken ketchup bottles, heard the screams of a baby crying, saw that Muslim bitch scurrying on the floor, groping for something hidden inside her pram. Suicide bomb. Not on his watch.

Lol opened fire in a red mist of bullets that exploded down the aisle into the woman and her charges before they could detonate. Before he knew it, the clip was empty but the day was saved. No explosion, just some dead jihadis lying in their own pool. He was a hero. The liberal who had shunned him earlier was cowering on the floor at his feet, hands around clutching her ears, eyes wide with shock.

Lol grinned down at her. “Don’t worry ma’am, it’s over now,” he said. “You don’t have to worry ’bout a thing when I’m around.”

He turned to see a spotty Walmart assistant charging down the aisle at him, giant tin of value Spam in his hand. Lol held up his hand to command him to stop but the callow youth kept running. Kids just didn’t know how to react in situations these days, they didn’t have the training. Before he could reload the clerk swung the Spam into Lol’s nose and victory tasted of blood.

Martha Blumhorn stared at the TV aghast. She knew she shouldn’t watch fake news, but she liked to know what was up with the Kardashians. The Walmart massacre shooter had been taken alive, mainly due to the bravery of a High School student employee who had used his football training to bring the gunman down. Well, he deserved Employee of the Month that was for sure.

The cameras showed the scumbag murderer being hauled away in cuffs by police. He was ranting wildly. “Hey, I’m not the bad guy here!” he screamed at the reporters. “Don’t believe what they tell you, I know the truth!”

Martha gulped down another hot wing. It was a gosh darned scary world these days. Even with God on your side, you never knew how He was going to test you next. Anything could be around the corner. She made a mental note to go shopping for some new weaponry on the weekend, maybe an upgrade on her handbag Glock and an extra shotgun for the SUV. Better to be safe than sorry.

There sure were a lot of crazies out there.